I matter.

"There's so much I want to tell you Kaelee. I want to tell you about how often I've felt alone around other people, but I've never felt alone when I was around you. I want to tell you that you're pretty weird sometimes, but you're like just the right amount of weird. I want to tell you thank you Kaelee. Thank you for making my day every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Thank you for helping me find my sense of direction in life, even if you didn't know it. Thank you for existing. And for being yourself. I want to tell you more Kaelee. I really do. But I think I'm starting to run out of room... soooooo HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"

you were just a little boy
running away from fires
that burned too brightly
to quench thirst.
just a boy whose bed sheets are plain
(did you ever even
have a childhood?
i guess i did, comparatively).
i had princess bedspreads,
a castle to hide in.
but you?
where do you hide your shame?

My eyes are deep as oceans. Skin like salt. My hands, shaky, carefully feeling my heartbeat through a chest of leaves. I touch everything, leaving my fingerprints on cold metal bars. The lump in my throat. Cloaked in cigarettes and coffee. Erasing memories imprinted in cavities. X-ray’s can’t prove anything. Eternal rainstorms on the train tracks and the shoes we wear to walk them.

if only i could calm you, if only i could stop you
you who so often beats blood through my ungracious body
i will thank you now, only once, for you do not deserve
endless thanks when you have caused such hurt
a heartless organ, an irony and a paradox
a force that must be, should be, can and will be stopped


or maybe just a marionette, tied with strings
to a name of a face of a person that pulls them unknowingly
with just a glance a word a laugh and you are tugged
you are used, we are abused and so you beat with blood
and you beat with pain and painful emotion
tender heartstrings tied into nooses


now months into the clarity of hindsight, it remains that
i signed our death warrant day after day and so
where once i gave unwilling thanks, instead i must apologize
over and over and say sorry and sorry until finally i say to you
be still, my beating heart
be still

do not quicken your pace the closer he gets
don’t get any ideas when he
lets the word love slip


remember we agreed to wait because of last time
remember last time


do not make any sudden movements
at the sight of his smile
and we might be able to get out of this alive

Dear everyone I know,

I am always there for you when you are down in the dumps. I can instantly tell when you are sad and I always help. Sometimes though, I would like it if you perhaps took the time to listen to my problems. You aren’t the only ones with shit going on.


Yours truly,
Kaelee

troll

Dreamers always urge to enter my cave.
I tell them,


“The rocks are cold
the darkness copious
your bones will tremble.”


They don’t care they still wipe their feet.
Hunched over in the corner
like a tumbleweed of Christmas lights
they share wisdom with me
but I never listen.