no phone, can't stop writing

I spoke too much
Of feelings and such
It burned to keep it in.

It burned to think
This too would sink
Once I first touched your skin.

When we first kissed
A serpent hissed
I killed it with a glance.

You killed the time
With pain sublime
We never had a chance.

Like Only Home Can Feel

I used to rummage and scour, dig crater like holes, all in high hopes. Kicked up moon dust brighter than the sun, red paint on my hands like a surgeon smearing parts, legs ajar. Fingers crossed, intently decided on understanding you. I used to want to crawl up beside you, burrow myself a permanent, pressed securely next to you. And for a woman who sees so little, I was becoming adept to the art that is you. Held against your ribcage, nuzzled safe, like only home can feel. I listened earnestly. Heard Hendrix and jazz mad sorts of eclectic jams, words, wars and wisdom. Delighted to be webbed in your abysmal labyrinth, thought our mass countered one another; I used think you mattered. 

I pledge

to make today a better day than yesterday

this one always gives the best advice

"Your problem is that although you are subservient, which is my favorite thing about you, you need to stick up for yourself. You aren't a loser, you know."


true wordz of wizdom

surprising

that I don't even really care that I don't have a phone
you know when your phone dies, and you don't have to deal with it, and it's kinda nice?
it's like that... but not, cause it's missing
that's my fault though
what I get I guess for wildin out,
trying to de-stress and whatnot
I guess that's what I got in losing it,
a huge relief of stress:
constantly lurking
constantly anticipating, no more
but I'm curious...
if I like not having a phone because I don't waste time on stupid shit
but more importantly
because anyone who actually gives a shit about me
will find a way to get a hold of me,
and I don't have to deal with people who don't actually give two fucks
(been dealing with too many of these people recently)
(why yes, I am realizing the numbers of such mentioned efforts are staggeringly low)
but I wonder,
if enjoying this signifies maturity,
detachment, and independence?
or does it really just exemplify
how depressed I actually am?
either way,
not knowing, being numb
is very nice


I'll just pretend I'm having imaginary conversations with people who read my blog (as if they exist). hello, friend. thank you for noticing me, and listening to my bullshit ramblings

Fun- SNL

I was watching the SNL I recorded last night featuring Louis C. K. and Fun. I kinda wasn't paying attention, but this performance made me drop everything that I was doing and drew me in. Just the powerful performance and such sincere passion coupled with incredibly inspiring lyrics... blew me away. I've listened to the song many times but have a whole new appreciation for it now. Those lyrics we're exactly what I needed to hear, at exactly that time. It was one of those how-to-breathe moments.

Anyway, if you're interested/needing some inspiration, here's the video of the performance.
I also included the lyrics... because they're the shit (parts in bold = my life).




"Some nights, I stay up cashing in my bad luck
Some nights, I call it a draw
Some nights, I wish that my lips could build a castle
Some nights, I wish they'd just fall off

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know anymore...

This is it, boys, this is war - what are we waiting for?
Why don't we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype - save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard and I'm half as liked, but here they come again to jack my style

And that's alright; I found a martyr in my bed tonight
She stops my bones from wondering just who I am, who I am, who I am
Oh, who am I?

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end
Cause I could use some friends for a change
And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again
Some nights, I always win, I always win...

But I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know...

So this is it? I sold my soul for this?
Washed my hands of God for this?
I miss my mom and dad for this?

No. When I see stars, when I see, when I see stars, that's all they are
When I hear songs, they sound like this one, so come on
Oh, come on. Oh, come on, OH COME ON!

Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands
This one is not for the folks at home; Sorry to leave, mom, I had to go
Who the fuck wants to die alone all dried up in the desert sun?

My heart is breaking for my sister and the con that she call "love"
When I look into my nephew's eyes...
Man, you wouldn't believe the most amazing things that can come from...
Some terrible lies...ahhh...

The other night, you wouldn't believe the dream I just had about you and me
I called you up, but we'd both agree
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh...
It's for the best you didn't listen
It's for the best we get our distance... oh..."

Sipping on Spirits, Tastes like Forget

Sit down to this bottle,
commence with civil sips.
Tastes like forget.
Responsible
gulps and refills,
it's not enough
and the wine
turns to beer
turns to shots,
sipping on spirits.
I'd be alright
if I could sleep in a different body
for the night.
Tonight it tastes like forget.
Tomorrow, regret.