Hoping to Reciprocate

Everyone is cracked or broken in places they feel are irreparable, as sanity and joy slips through these crevasses caused by those instances in our journey we would like to forget. Are these vessels we inhabit supposed to remain in a pristine, tightly sealed condition, or are these crevasses created so others can seep in and do repairs or more damage? I have had a few sneak in and increase the gap, but this one has made his way in and patched up some of the damage with words of encouragement and an unwavering faith in me.

So after years of feeling that my broken status was less than ideal, I welcome those moments where he slips in and makes himself at home.

needy...

the need, drips from me
covering everything
I touch, everything
I come in contact with.
I try to catch it,
before it gets the chance
to ruin anything,
but it always does.
eventually, the neediness in me 
overwhelms it’s victims
leaving them 
worn and listless,
and seeking refuge

Do you ever feel that sinking in your stomach to the floor
When your hands won't stop shaking
And you can't take anymore?

Fun House Images

The timeline gets warped and I can’t find the opening – any opening – to get back in. I search frantically, trying every doorknob but they're not really doors they're just mirrors reflecting a fun house image back at me, big nose and wild eyes and electrified hair and I can't find the actual door. Life goes on around me but I don't get it, can't figure out how to plug back in and live, whatever that even means. I see them, everyday people, just walking on the street, or going to class, or smoking cigarettes in front of marble buildings built to outlast humans and I can't imagine. I just don't know how they do it. How do they get out of bed? And eat and dress and laugh and go out in the world, and how do they do it so effortlessly, so joyously? I envy them and pity them all the same. Sometimes I yearn.. oh how I yearn.. to join them, to fall in line and be one with the happy, sunny world all around – to be normal, so bone-crushingly normal it hurts my insides... and all these years later, still forever with my nose against the glass, an empty vessel waiting to be filled, a hollow head floating toward the ceiling like a sad balloon, wanting to fly free over the trees, nothing left to see except a red dot disappearing on the horizon.

Do you ever have those moments that no temperature or duration of shower can erase?

I took a shower to wash away this Grime of Emotions, clinging to my heart and soul. It wouldn't come off; soap and water does not help. The hot almost-scalding water poured over my skin, hitting every pore in case these Emotions were hiding there, clinging for life... but their power is strong and all I did was stand there with a sad face, the water hitting me with all its grace. I just stood there helpless. I felt my heart beating heavily, my thoughts can't even escape the might of Melancholy and Worry. I stood there, getting physically clean, but emotionally, I don't know. The skin on my fingers turned wrinkly and said it's time to get out. So I turned off the shower and dried myself off, but this Grime of Emotions was still there. My heart dropped and went along with the rest of the water down the drain.

Typical

The signs are all there.
Yet all I can see is
the sparkle in your eyes.

I just try to be kind
And speak my mind
Doing my best to be a good person.
Sometimes I wish I was less kind,
Can never get rid of the thoughts in my mind.