There is a blizzard inside my head

A vicious storm,
Flurries of blistering emotion
Lash cruelly about.
The icy snow
Whips at me,
Leaving me stung
And becoming numb.
So heavy does it fall,
My vision is obscured
And I cannot see.
I don't know the way.
Ambiguously I trudge on
Without direction,
My only aim being
Refuge from the enclosing chaos.
I fear the peace I find
Once I'm finally warm
Will only be the eye of the storm.

Trying

I try to write about how you make me feel.
I can't.
It's not that I can't articulate, that I can't remember
strong hands, safe embraces,
salty kisses and the
scent of your skin.
I can.
But the thought makes me sick.
And it's always highlight,
erase.

I'm trying.
To write, to talk,
To be normal,
Resume.
I can't.

love is a non sequitur
despite its many glorious felicities
no amount of logic
is destined to explain it

Ebenezer

Whatever, call me Scrooge. I officially don't like holidays.

Today feels much too like my birthday. A day I've learned to abhor since I was thirteen and began to think.

Why, you wonder? It has nothing to do with presents, expectations, etc.

It does, however, have A LOT to do with disappointments and let downs. Sooooo fucking much emphasis is placed on holidays... These - oh shit - "God given" days carry so much weight, and they only happen once a year. In turn, it goes without question that these "sacred" days are loaded with unequivocal significance, and throughout the years you are trained as a child to expect prepare for a certain something.

Again, this has nothing to do with presents. I recognize the holidays have a deeper meaning than gift-giving... such as the importance of family and whatnot. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. And that makes hating the holidays even more depressing... being unable to participate with the joy. I admit that a time or two I have found myself swept up in the "Christmas spirit"..

But that's just it. That's what I have an issue with. This spirit thing. The happiness your family not only expects to see out of you, but the happiness and excitement you yourself hope to feel. Or at least I know I was, waiting around for Christmas to come, as if it were some sort of cure-all... Because what happens when you're fucked up in the head like I am? And everyone wants you so desperately to just be HAPPY, 'tis the season and all that jazz?? And you just can't? And you lay in your room by yourself all day while your family enjoys the holidays because you can't snap your fingers and put a fake smile on? And what about when you're thrown curveballs??? So not only did the day suck before, but then it takes a 180 degree turn from how it was 'supposed to be'???

Personally, I'd rather just excuse myself from the holidays altogether. Pretend like my birthday doesn't exist. Start spending Christmas snowboarding and or some shit. It's bad enough that I have to deal with my disappointment annually, but why be even more of a bother to everyone else and sour their mood, too? I wish I could control my emotions. I truly, truly do.

And this is why this stupid blog is called "ramblings". Because I ramble over stupid, stupid nonsense. Even I want to punch myself in the face reading this gibberish.

snow

I
wantneed to go to the snow soon. I need the comfort. I need to be able to lie in the snow, feel the cold, the wet, the sharp sting of the snow touching my skin. I need to feel the suffering of my body just so I know the suffering in my head isn't alone.

risk

conflicted in happiness
torn at my essence
by a broken past and a promising future
dare i breathe in the delights of another
i wish to shed my hard protective shell
and let all that is delicate be nurtured
in the harmony of love my soul does flourish
but in discord its effect is devastating
i hang on to what is lost
so as not to connect with what is now
though i have put up strong resistance he has reached my insides
and he grasps all that is delicate
i wish to surrender to him
give up this insurrection
i want to sing in harmony a memorable melody
a song of one shared life
a song that makes cynics puke disdain
but in surrender i risk everything

without warmth

The cold finds us early now. Bites at our noses peeking above the covers, nips at our heels as we flee into the clothes that will protect us through the day. Warm me now. Warm me.