Time

Time is priceless, yet it costs us nothing. You can do anything you want with it, but you can't own it. You can spend it, but you can't keep it. And once you've lost it, there's no getting it back. It's just... gone. And to live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.

It was like a hand pinching an arm numbed by injection. The arm doesn't register that it is being pinched by the hand, and the hand registers it is pinching the arm, and at first, the mind cannot tell the two of them apart. But a moment later it distinguishes them quite clearly. Perhaps the hand has pinched so hard that the flesh stays white for a while. Then the blood flows back and the spot regains color. But that does not bring back sensation.

"It"

Often in my life, I have done things I have consciously decided not to do. Something- whatever it may be- goes into action. "It" goes to the man I no longer want to be associated with, etc. I'm under the assumption that others are in my same position. "It" makes the remark to the boss which costs you your head; "it" keeps on smoking although you have decided to quit, and then quits smoking once you've accepted the fact that you're a smoker and always will be. I don't mean to say that thinking and reaching decisions have no influence on behavior. But behavior does not merely enact whatever has already been thought through and decided. It has its own sources, and is my behavior, quite independently, just as my thoughts are my thoughts, and my decisions my decisions.

resurrection

I have an internal alarm clock system and find it impossible to sleep past 9:00 a.m., so upon my late arrival home Friday night I took sleeping medicine. I ended up taking too much and slept till 3:00 in the afternoon on Saturday. That, in turn, created another late night. I was up till 4:00 in the morning watching various movies on Starz such as Parent Trap. To say the least, this was a rough morning but nevertheless I found myself at church to appease my mom this Easter Sunday. I haven't been in easily over a year. I sat in the pew beside my brother, twiddling my thumbs and watching the morning light find its way through the stain glass windows in streaks illuminating dust particles throughout the air. In an attempt to drain out the senior choir, I began browsing through the pamphlet. I came across a list of people who asked to be kept in the congregation's prayers.

There was a man who was electrocuted while building houses in Mexico. How's that for irony? Humor brings insight and tolerance. I find that irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. And then that got me to thinking about the whole concept of Easter and resurrection... In my opinion it's not the concept of life after death but instead life before death which is important and requires an equal amount of attention. I looked to my left and saw senior citizens slumped in their seat who looked like they deserved to be on a ventilator. Don't get me wrong, I find it remarkably admirable that these people have their faith to hold on to, but the thought that they force themselves out of their homes to make it to the church because they feel obligated to seems miserable. It becomes a question of whether or not these pietistic Christians spend their lives striving to achieve a glorious life after their death and while doing so set aside their own personal will or happiness. And considering everything beyond life is one huge question it seems imbecilic to have such a mentality. And this concept ventures far beyond the matter of faith. We need to start living. Living lives for ourselves. Not do what we feel obligated to do, not do what we think we should, but instead do what we think we can't. It's such a waste of our precious time and energy to please other people. So today I stopped doing just that and started thinking about what feels natural and what feels right to me and started making myself happy. It felt good. Only my opinion though.

contemplation

We have a lot of choices. Since getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and I'm not smiling on a regular basis, I'll try another one. The way you react to situations in life is at your personal discretion. It is your decision, and yours alone, to determine the importance you give to any situation. Vacillating people seldom succeed. After kinder garden, we have no simple options. Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions. Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.

Be miserable or motivate yourself. Whatever you have to do, it's up to you. That's what life is. It's the sum of all your choices.

Better to be despised for too anxious reluctance, than be ruined by too confident a security. But I feel, however, my mind is not strong enough to bear the weight of its ignorance and risks questioning itself and being engulfed in doubt. We are like icebergs in the ocean: one-eighth part consciousness and the rest submerged beneath the surface of articulate apprehension. I have a secret held inside me. I want to let it out, it hurts so bad. But I don't know what it is.

What would you do if I confessed this all to you?

I was unsure of how those tears came in the shower, in solitude. I said goodbye what seems like ages ago. And then I realized it was only when you truly let go to that I knew hello was never coming from you again… I've finally become genuinely and sincerely thankful for that.


I became afraid of love. I thought it would take so much time to overcome, like a fine wine aging in the cellar. My biggest fear was never loving anyone again the way I loved you. I was wrong, it's so completely possible!

"Kaelee, come outside, I need to give you something." I went outside, in my glasses and pajamas. He then took my face in his hands, gently but with raging passion, and kissed me. His kiss came as a suprise, something remarkable, something sensational. The kind of kiss ... the one you lose yourself in. I realized that I don't want to kiss anyone else but him and my heart was beating three times its normal pace; the world around me disappeared except me and him. It reduced my bones to rubber and my brain to gruel. It was an exciting kind of sensation that you can't help but fall in love with. I felt reborn. I felt something melt inside me that hurt in an exquistite way. All my longings, all my dreams and sweat anguish, all the secrets that slept deep within me came awake. Everything was transformed and enchanted, everything made sense.

When I saw him for the first time, amid the gloom and travail of existence suddenly to behold a beautiful being... instantaneously I felt an overwhelming conviction that I'm smitten. Sparks flew from first glances; I'm embracing it, letting it glow. What I find, I won't mind, I already want him as mine. He showed me happiness in a time I found it impossible, leaving me speachless yet full of laughter and the same time. Unfathomable radiancy... as the days grow so does my crimson heart for him. This feeling is so overpowering, I'm afraid it will disappear. For all the words I know, there are profound ones I cannot utter without thinking of him. Does he get nervous like I do? Do I spread a smile across his handsome face like he does to me? I have found butterflies again, like I've never known before. I find myself waiting for him, in desperation and in hope. I just want to hold him, and to make him proud of me. The feeling of disappointing him makes me cringe. He has told me he cares, but it's hard for me to grasp. It doesn't make sense to me, that's why I trust it. Why is everything going so right? This can't be correct. I don't want to be under someone's spell again; the last time I was burned so badly. But it's far better to give your all and smother than to withhold hopes of a new relationship. I'm so happy for myself for the willingness to take a chance. There seems to be a rosey hue casted over everything now. I want to thank him for stepping into my world, he brought light.


The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt, and don't forget the amount of frogs you have to kiss before you find your prince!