I have no armor left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever's left of me, whatever I am, is yours.

in correlation to last night's post

I can't believe your audacity and your blantant intentions to be down right cruel. It is sickening, why do you act like that? I'm not going to pretend as if it didn't bother me. It did, it really really did. Mission accomplished. At least I maintained my composer until the parking lot. I didn't even know it at first until I made that God-awful croaking sound. I like the snot to run a little, the tears to accumulate a bit before reaching for the sleeve. Then I know I'm really crying. Crying just isn't crying unless it's messy. And then I was laughing. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. Why the sudden change of heart, you ask? Well because you, my friend, are living an empty, meaningless life. You are in denial, I (clearly) am not. I realized that I am so much above this. I dont mean that in a conceited way. But not only have I not sucked eight dicks in one night, ehem, but I am also a good person, and that's more than you can say. I have morals and a conscience that provides me with guidelines for what is right and wrong. You (clearly) do not and therefore are unaware of how to act in socially acceptable ways. You, a person who is constantly rude to all people, do not hate me. You hate yourself. You have unresolved internal issues which cause you to inflict bitchyness among others. I can't fix you, but I will not let you 'bring me down'. The more mature person is the one who does not act, or in this case react, to a person's demeanor without first taking it into consideration. It is the more mature and wiser person who will just let it ride. Being polite to others will always reside in higher regard than those who would chose otherwise.

so long

Get over yourself. I know that you are self-absorbed, yes, but honestly this is over the top. Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people adapt the world to themselves. All progess, therefore, depends on unreasonable people. People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them. And circumstances and situations shouldn't create who you are, they should reveal who you are.

I find it interesting how most people relate to the standard 8-color box of crayons. I fancy myself to be the 64-color, with a few missing, but that's okay because I've got some more vibrant colors such as periwinkle at my disposal. There's so many different colors of life, feeling, and articulation... it's frustrating when I'm like "hey girl, magenta!", and she's like "oh you mean purple" and goes off on her purple thing while I'm thinking to myself "no I want magenta". When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with judgements, and motivated by pride and vanity. I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. The way I see it is the more people that hate me, the less I have to get along with. Don't worry about me or what I do. What happens in my life has nothing to do with you. Do what you think is right and to hell with your popularity. Summer starts tomorrow and instead of being phased by all the PMSing 12 year-olds lately, I find myself surrounded by people who actually care about me. And that's more than you can say. So there.

does this make sense?

I feel good and bad at the same time, like drinking too much Starbucks coffee. Both excited and scared, like being caught in the ocean without enough time to retreat from the breaking wave but being too far from it to dive under. Something coming, being unable to stop it.

this one's for nat

It hurts to look back and I have to admit I'm scared to look ahead, but I'm so content with where I am right now. We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love. We will cry over things we used to laugh and our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes. And in the end, the tectonic layers of our lives will rest so tightly on top of one another that we will always come up against earlier events in later ones. Not as matter that has been fully formed and pushed aside, but absolutely present and alive.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. And although certainty is ridiculous, doubt separates people... A poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.. a thorn that irritates and hurts. It makes us lose the good we might have won by fearing to attempt. So with that I propose that life is to be lived, and you don't do that by sitting around wondering about yourself. Instead, try living one day without any unhealthy thoughts. It will inevitably be very difficult, yes, but try again until it becomes habitual, and life will move in the direction of becoming healthy, vital, and alive. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... the passion and pain and laughter and tears... and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. I honestly don't believe that people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.

Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. Remember that it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is snot effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

"The best way out is always through."

Time

Time is priceless, yet it costs us nothing. You can do anything you want with it, but you can't own it. You can spend it, but you can't keep it. And once you've lost it, there's no getting it back. It's just... gone. And to live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.