You

It slowly became more apparent to me. The nervousness, the tightness in chest. The glee, the anticipation. Gradually, it turned into pacing the room at the mention of your name. Its obvious that you're different. I realize that now and it scares me. You're like a drug to me. The things I would do for you. The withdrawals I go through. I long for you. I smell your scent on me the rest of the day. It's not the reputation you uphold that makes my palms sweaty- I think that exceeds you by far, anyway. The thing is that you get to me. More so, and in a different way, than everyone else. Physically and emotionally; thoroughly, all the way to my core. You make me hurt in an exquisite way. Everything inside me melts and I feel alive, happy and alive. The way you talk, the sports you play, the watch you wear, the car you drive, the friends you have, the stories you tell, the compliments you give, the way you look at me when I lay with you... the sensory overload is too much and entirely overwhelming.

You scare me. This feeling scares me. Nothing will ever happen. You're too good for me and I know that, everyone knows that. I've always had a crush on you- a "dig", as you like to say. But it's all so tangible now. Remarkably and painstakingly close; you're within my grasp. Real. I can reach out, and touch you, and there you are.

You just called me. I was sleeping and you woke me up. Something about your voice is so soothing... every part of my body relaxes. You ask if you can see me this weekend, you'll be in town. Time after time, you continue to assuage me of my fears. The grin on my face, if you only knew. I think you do know now. You're friends must have told you we talked about you this weekend. I wish I could tell you it was something stupid that slipped when I was drunk, but that would be a lie. It was strategic almost, I went into the night hoping that you would get brought up. I wanted to know your feelings about it.

I always want to talk about you. I want everyone to know the way I feel about you. I want everyone to know about you. I want you to know about you. And it hurts so bad because I am confident in the fact that that will never happen. But I feel almost fortunate for the pain associated with that realization. I would never feel anything that bad without having felt something so good. I've never wanted anything so badly in my life. Like I said, you make me feel alive.

Juxtaposed

Of course I choose to blog while I could be doing so many other things. But I just don't understand myself. I have all forms of comforts available at my disposal but I am not able to enjoy them. I have a nice bed but I am not always able to enjoy sleep. I have enough food but I don't find it appetizing. I have 24 hours in a day but I can't find even half an hour to relax, to enjoy freedom.

But it gets worse. I find myself to be in denial. So many issues are rooted so deep within me, and by pushing them aside or taking them lightheartedly I make myself feel okay. Yet at the same time, I know how chronically depressed I am... but I consistently feel so thankful for the life I have. How is that possible?

It's remarkable. Something so otherwise minor results in the collapse of me. That alone demonstrates how fucking fragile I am. Little by little, the weight of my subconscience becomes overwhelmed and the compiled issues simply cannot withstand being pushed aside any longer. It's then, at my breaking point, that it all hits me in the face: I seek the worst in everything. By never getting my hopes up, I never get let down. By assuming the worst in situations, I never get disappointed. By searching for the least admirable qualities in people, it's less painful when they end up hurting me, which seems inevitable. I'm so accustomed to being sad, that I gave up on positivity.

Due to recent events, I've come to realize a lot. From heart-to-hearts with my teacher, to empowering talks with my friends, to little pick-me-ups from people who aren't even trying to cheer me up, I've slowly become more okay with things. I've come to understand that all the shit that I've been through has made me a more mature person, and I owe all that I am to the people that have fucked me over. Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it, it's just easier if you do. It's actually beautiful in a way. The timing, the irony. Not at first maybe. But it all comes around full circle in the end. Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be. Take it, internalize it, and grow from it. It's all that anyone can do.

And so it is.

The start of a new school year. Or somewhat, I know I'm a bit overdue. However I think everyone can understand the initial overwhelming stress that comes with AP's. New beginnings, aren't they the greatest? Although it never really happens in Thousand Oaks. Maybe someone forgets about you for a few months, and when school picks back up you reestablish yourself, but everyone still knows you. Perhaps your name hasn't been cleared of something or you will forever have the title of The Jock, The Bitch, The Stoner, The Slut, et cetera, et cetera. But I realized that doesn't matter. What does actually matter is the clean slate that you provide yourself with. Because living with integrity means 1- not settling for less than you deserve, especially in the field of relationships... 2- asking for what you want and need from others, rather than being paraphrastic or having ulterior motives... 3- speaking your truth, even though it may create conflict or tension... 4- behaving in ways that match your personal values... and lastly, 5- making choices based on what you believe, not what others believe. Reflecting back, I feel partially that I am the polar opposite of myself one year ago. But at the same time I feel so exactly the same. And what I realized is that I have grown SO much as a person. I worked on areas that I know needed improvement and bettered myself as a person. I know I owe a lot of that to the people who put me through everything I've dealt with. Its high school. Friends fluxuate. Life goes on. If certain people would like to go around making enemies their last few years of high school, that's their personal problem. I have people in my life that I know truly care for me and will always be there, and I would so much rather have that then a number of faulty friendships. So as of right now I'm taking care of business. I'm going to my classes, preoccupying myself at break, leaving at lunch, working, and seeing my friends on the weekend. And I am so wonderfully content with that.

Like a million times before...

Stillness- That's what I feel like. An electric, living stillness, the feeling of stasis rubbing against change. The hum you hear when you meditate, the loudness of nothing. I feel empty. It doesn't feel so bad.

ha haa

My internal eyeballs rolled so hard they practically bounced. We accept the love we think we deserve.

I have no armor left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever's left of me, whatever I am, is yours.

in correlation to last night's post

I can't believe your audacity and your blantant intentions to be down right cruel. It is sickening, why do you act like that? I'm not going to pretend as if it didn't bother me. It did, it really really did. Mission accomplished. At least I maintained my composer until the parking lot. I didn't even know it at first until I made that God-awful croaking sound. I like the snot to run a little, the tears to accumulate a bit before reaching for the sleeve. Then I know I'm really crying. Crying just isn't crying unless it's messy. And then I was laughing. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. Why the sudden change of heart, you ask? Well because you, my friend, are living an empty, meaningless life. You are in denial, I (clearly) am not. I realized that I am so much above this. I dont mean that in a conceited way. But not only have I not sucked eight dicks in one night, ehem, but I am also a good person, and that's more than you can say. I have morals and a conscience that provides me with guidelines for what is right and wrong. You (clearly) do not and therefore are unaware of how to act in socially acceptable ways. You, a person who is constantly rude to all people, do not hate me. You hate yourself. You have unresolved internal issues which cause you to inflict bitchyness among others. I can't fix you, but I will not let you 'bring me down'. The more mature person is the one who does not act, or in this case react, to a person's demeanor without first taking it into consideration. It is the more mature and wiser person who will just let it ride. Being polite to others will always reside in higher regard than those who would chose otherwise.