Of course I choose to blog while I could be doing so many other things. But I just don't understand myself. I have all forms of comforts available at my disposal but I am not able to enjoy them. I have a nice bed but I am not always able to enjoy sleep. I have enough food but I don't find it appetizing. I have 24 hours in a day but I can't find even half an hour to relax, to enjoy freedom.
But it gets worse. I find myself to be in denial. So many issues are rooted so deep within me, and by pushing them aside or taking them lightheartedly I make myself feel okay. Yet at the same time, I know how chronically depressed I am... but I consistently feel so thankful for the life I have. How is that possible?
It's remarkable. Something so otherwise minor results in the collapse of me. That alone demonstrates how fucking fragile I am. Little by little, the weight of my subconscience becomes overwhelmed and the compiled issues simply cannot withstand being pushed aside any longer. It's then, at my breaking point, that it all hits me in the face: I seek the worst in everything. By never getting my hopes up, I never get let down. By assuming the worst in situations, I never get disappointed. By searching for the least admirable qualities in people, it's less painful when they end up hurting me, which seems inevitable. I'm so accustomed to being sad, that I gave up on positivity.
Due to recent events, I've come to realize a lot. From heart-to-hearts with my teacher, to empowering talks with my friends, to little pick-me-ups from people who aren't even trying to cheer me up, I've slowly become more okay with things. I've come to understand that all the shit that I've been through has made me a more mature person, and I owe all that I am to the people that have fucked me over. Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don't have to like it, it's just easier if you do. It's actually beautiful in a way. The timing, the irony. Not at first maybe. But it all comes around full circle in the end. Life is now. There was never a time when your life was not now, nor will there ever be. Take it, internalize it, and grow from it. It's all that anyone can do.
