What if...

What if I want to be large in a world that has me small, diminished. I don't want to diet, I don't want to say "no, thank you", and pretend somehow that what is there is enough when always, always I want more. That will always be my defining characteristic- I have appetites, and only if I'm truly shameless will I even begin to be sated because nothing is ever really enough. Not because I am greedy, or unsatisfiable, but because I just can't help it, I can't go along with the fiction that the world would have me believe and adhere to, that you ought to settle and be careful and accept the crumbs that are supposed to pass for a life, this minimized self you are supposed to put up with. Everything tells us to stop, to not have another piece of pizza, to not talk to the guy first, to not take an extra shot.

I'm 16, and in my opinion, I have the rest of my life to "stop"- to stand still. But I'm 16 and I intend on going, on living however I please, while I still can, while we still have zero responsibilities. Of course the sadness is still there inside me, like a stone, and it often leaves room for no other thoughts. I'm not trying to make an appeal to your sympathies, I'm just shifting this big weight inside of me from one place to the other. You know that things aren't going well for you when you can't even tell a person the simplest fact about your life, just because they'll presume you're asking them to feel sorry for you. I guess that's why I feel so far from everyone in the end; I can't think of any way to explain myself without sounding stupid or making them feel miserable.

Also, I'm tired of people trying to analyze my life when I myself have no clue as to what is going on, what it all means. I guess the reason for why I'm writing this blog is to use it as a staple, to remember how I felt two days prior to my birthday- lugubrious and irrevocably depressed. Who knows what was the cause, what came first, the sadness or the substance, but it doesn't really matter. Wow. I just had a really scary thought that made me pause my typing after I finished the last sentance. I can literally apply "it doesn't really matter" to every attribute of my life. Jesus, Kaelee, that's really really shitty. I mean how do you even solve that? Pick up a hobby? No. Get some friends? I have them. It's just like I don't feel like I know myself very well right now, so how could I ever be sure about anything? I'm always feeling awkward, like I'm walking on egg shells inside of myself. It's like I don't belong in my own skin and sometimes it makes me so frustrated at everything, I could scream or cry and there'd be no reason for it, aside from me just being so unhappy with myself.

It's okay though. My life is always this, at some point or another. I don't know if I'm getting better or getting used to it, but I know I'm so beyond need at this point. How amazing would it be if we could all decide not to be nice, never to be sorry? To have no regrets: what is before me belongs to me, my life is a result of the experiences I've been through. To say catch me if you can bitches I'm so free this is my life the rest of you can fuck off and die!

Someone asked me

to post a blog about my opinions on homosexuality. I grew up going to Sunday School, learning about how Jesus says to love God and love your neighbor as yourself and that the entity of the "Law" is summed up in that and yadda yadda yadda. That being said, I find it really hard to understand how homosexuality could be considered non-loving or harmful.

I used to be particularly narrow minded. I don't know, I guess as I got older or more mature that changed or something. Seeing flamboyantly gay people used to make me very uncomfortable and uneasy. But after experiencing love and life and the lack of control one can have over their emotions, I don't think it's wrong for a guy to love a guy or a girl to love a girl. It's love, it's all the same. Plus, I've recently made friends with a lot of gay people and they are probably some of the best people I've ever met. So I don't have anything against homosexuality.

If you, my anonymous formspring friend, are asking my opinion from a political standpoint, know that despite how liberal I may seem I do fall under the fiscally conservative republican category. I feel that allowing gay marriage would enable too many surreptitiously-straight people to get married in order to receive benefits. So I don't really know if that answers your question or what... but ya.