months later and

you still owe me an apology.


who are you?
or rather, who do you think you are?
you sold me a completely different image.

The Other Side of Hope

I've often heard it said
that hope can set you free.
Should hope be well founded,
that’s something I can see.
But just as hope might save,
its loss might strike a blow...
especially for one
unused to its warm glow.
While constant, bitter pain
drones on without refrain,
the senses become dull,
and it can be contained—
So one bereft of hope,
though wretched, thus survives.
Departure from that norm
is where the danger lies...
Once hope shines within
a lonely, tortured soul,
its abrupt withdrawal
may take a deadly toll;
For hope leads one to feel
exposed to the divine;
if, then, hope is destroyed,
despair shall dine sublime.

where is this empty field
where no house stands for miles
only sparsely plotted trees
and forgotten furrows plead.
where is this open space
where echoes cannot live
the sun bears down on her ground
but the evening is bejeweled
I would like to stay there for a day
I would like to sleep there for a night
In delight, I shall shout
every name, of every person, of every kind
that my heart bled against
the reminders of an unguided mind
I will shout their names
shout what I screamed on paper
shout until my voice is gone
write until I run out of paper
and I shall sit on the thousands
blades of grass which will serve as my bed
and in the stillness and in the quiet
I will still shout inside my head.

outside these four walls
the world
awaits discovery
the world in black and white
needing you to write it 
back into beautiful
back into color

shivers

cold is still in the air and
seeping into me
fogging up the window and
frosting every tree
wrap yourself around me
warm with body heat
take me to your bed
skin to skin on sheets

relying (on myself)

a shoulder to cry on
should also be
a shoulder to lie on
a shoulder to hold
and to kiss
a shoulder you would dearly miss
if it ever left- if suddenly
it wasn't your pillow
when you slept
or your strength
when you needed rest
a shoulder isn't just a shoulder
anymore
it is maybe the most precious thing
i ever asked you for

The Dalai Lama

How can someone know so much, and smile so much?

maybe today

and maybe today
I feel a little bit pretty
so I wear a dress
and do my make-up
for no good reason
and maybe today
isn't at all bad
like I thought it was going to be
so my cynicism took the back seat
to my smile
and maybe today
I still think about it
and maybe I always will
but I won’t dwell anymore
on what could have been
and instead
maybe today
I’m working on
actually
making things be

all the magic

We may be wounded,
we may be ready.
We maybe kinda shouldn't be
pushing back covers
or shirts over shoulders,
the clothes over bones
in drunk alleys or homes.

Never one to kiss and tell.
I played the game and played it well,
but sentiments you sought to sell
were funds to finance our farewell.


Always ones to tell and kiss.
I left a symbol on your lips:
a lipstick metaphor was missed
(should have thought to use a fist).


Never one to love and leave.
I slid the aces up my sleeve
and practiced patience to achieve
a smile that could be believed.


Always ones to leave and love.
I was the push you came to shove,
but learned to think and not think of
then finally found the road above.

I need to hear
I need to feel
Anticipation
Lingering still

"hahaha I know.. I know you Kaelee, there's always some hidden agenda"

As time goes,
I wonder how much
Of what my mind shows to me
Has grown to be;
Been sewn into me
By a brain protecting prone dignity.


Does my dancing get better,
The advancing trend setter,
Perfect lines to the letter,
When my whistle gets wetter?


Do I really glow,
Go with the flow,
Speak in throws that show what I know
When you talk to me
Pinging on ecstasy? 


Do I really astound
Sound profound with wisdom abounding
After being up all night
With coffee surrounding?


Or does my mind use paint
Making quaint of the tainted memories
Making faint
The embarrassment to me?


I have no complaint though;
I am not a saint, I know.
But if my mind did blow up and show
How I really looked
I might feel crooked and timid
And live a life less vivid
For fear of livid memories.

"Truth"

"The truth is that I never shook my shadow
Every day it's trying to trick me into doing battle
Calling out 'faker' only get me rattled
Wanna pull me back behind the fence with the cattle
Building your lenses
Digging your trenches
Put me on the front line
Leave me with a dumb mind
With no defenses
But your defense is
If you can't stand to feel the pain then you are senseless

Since this,
I've grown up some
Different kinda fighter
And when the darkness come, let it inside you
Your darkness is shining
My darkness is shining
Have faith in myself
Truth.

I've seen a million numbered doors on the horizon
Now which is the future you choosen before you gone dying
I'll tell you about a secret I've been undermining
Every little lie in this world comes from dividing
Say you're my lover
Say you're my homie
Tilt my chin back, slit my throat
Take a bath in my blood, get to know me
All out of my secrets
All my enemies are turning into my teachers

Because 
Light's blinding
No way dividing
What's yours or mine when everything's shining
Your darkness is shining
My darkness is shining
Have faith in ourselves
Truth."

I want to read poetry together on the bedroom floor over a bottle of rum or whiskey (but not wine, red or white), sitting close

so I can feel your breath as you enunciate along my favorite lines, and I, as you hand me the book, will try to hold the beauty of your favorite sonnet in my mouth, to let it fall from my lips full of soul, full of heart; sitting close on the bedroom floor with our legs tucked under us, and the pale moon light beaming in through the blinds. And when the bottle is all but finished, when I’ve let the last line drop from my tongue, you will press your mouth against mine and fuck me. We will make love on the floor in the moon light, heavy with the promised sadness of dead poets' pens.

memo

Don’t hide behind
the ghosts that rise
from tea cups,
or the dreams
you drink and forget.
The moon is awake
and you, you’re
alive and beautiful.

receiving a present "just because" for the first time:

"... so this is for you Kaelee, in case you ever find that you need a hug :].

I'm glad that I met you, Kaelee Nelson. You're quite the extraordinary individual. You're brilliant, perceptive, and overall thoroughly enlightening. You're unbelievably relatable. You're also incredibly funny and down-to-Earth... And I will always value our friendship."

!!

He

d
   r
      i
       p
          s
          d
          o
          w
          n
          her legs
          and it’s all
          she has


left

Snooze button
pressed plural times
before feet flop to the floor
with an unenergetic, guttural sigh.


The water from the
uncomfortable shower
slaps my nape as
I turn around maintaining
a 45 degree neck angle,
catching the drops on my face:
‘looks like a sad scene from a movie’.


A minimalistic wardrobe selection,
‘maybe I just need to hydrate better’.
Clothed and out the door,
in time for class in seconds.


Please don’t ask if I’m okay,
it may just be my undoing..

I do not know which it is:
if I am the rock
at the edge of the sea,
or if I am the surging wave,
fast approaching.
All I know is I am at
the center of a collision
and I keep on crashing.

Long Division

the difference in feeling
doesn't seem
to divide between
you and i
very evenly -
the remainder
always being me.


who will carry
the one
left over?
(I've never been
very good
at math).

More Than I Can Chew

You've got some explaining to do
I’m biting off more than I can chew
And it’s got such bitter taste


I really don’t even know what to say other than I’m not happy
And I blame myself for the majority of my unhappiness
I make poor decisions which allows others to hurt me
But then there are the people in my life who I’m affected by that I can’t do anything about
They’re in my life to stay and I just have to push feelings towards them aside because it’s all I know how to do


You've got some explaining to do
So get to talking while I try to swallow what I can’t even chew