Reborn.

This weekend will never be forgotten. But literally. I got a tattoo. But more importantly I feel reborn. My entire outlook on life has changed and I feel like a completely new person. I'm so fucking fortunate to have the friends that I do. We're all products of our environment, whether you want to attest to it or not. For example, the mannerisms in which you are taught growing up in your household environment effect the person you are equally as much as the energy surrounding you in your social environment. Not necessarily in the matter of appearance or interest, but certainly in the state of mind. You want to be with people who will make you thrive, not force their views upon you. Someone to make you think, to stimulate your mind to new ideas, and to challenge the orthodox stances.

I can't describe it to you. The idea, sure. But not the realization. The most remarkable part about allowing your mind to encroach beyond your safe, gyrating thoughts is the physiological element associated with it. For me at least, something will hit me, and this constant surge of euphoria will radiate throughout my body. Its like you can physically feel your mind open up and your thoughts flow freely. Its like all of your emotions are vehemently and cohesively in sync. But what I realized is how free spirited I want to be. I want to be able to do whatever the hell I want without giving two shits about what anyone thinks of it. I want to live my life thoroughly and to the utmost extremity- within reason- because I never want to look back and think "wow I wish I would have enjoyed more".

So I got a tattoo. Because that's what I want. When I'm older, I want to have a tattoo that I regret. Because that just goes to show how you lived your life for yourself. What's important is the memory of how badly you wanted it, and you got it, and how happy you were when you did. I have my memory with me forever now. So many things worked out so perfectly, from timing to songs on the radio, that I just knew it was meant to be. It's a sparrow. This goes to show the free spirted nature I hope stays with me. Birds are beautiful, and they can fly away, and they are free.

I think its so crazy how everything comes around full circle. I'm so happy right now and I can genuinely tell you that for the first time in what seems like forever I love my life. And I love my friends. God, what would I do without them. So many things this weekend... a perfect memory to look back on forever and ever and ever.

sunflower seeds

I would have been there to help you.

As for me, sunflower seeds it is.

tonight I'm not here

to fill your mind with bullshit. I'm not going to ellaborate on some awe-inspiring quote I heard way's back to sounds really insightful and optimisitc. No, I'm going to be blunt with you. And tell you that my life is spiralling down the drain. Or what's left of it at least.

Don't be mislead, now. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not trying to evoke any sympathy from you, anonymous blog reader, either. Sometimes it just feels nice to get it all out there. Especially tonight.

You said you didn't need this sort of thing.

Yeah, I don't blame you. I know I'm annoying. I know nobody wants to befriend or date the one with baggage. Well that aside even, I don't know who would want to be around me period. I wouldn't want to meet me if I saw me at a party, I wouldn't want me to join the circle of desks to work on homework, I wouldn't want to date me. I know I'm a "burden".

You said you can't be my friend anymore.

Yeah, I don't blame you either. This isn't a very fair ultimatum though. How can I put up a defense for the special relationship that we have if I don't even want to be friends with myself? This isn't the way for to get me to stop.

But on tonight, the night I'm not here, the night that I don't exist in anyone's eyes, is really the night that I'm more present than any other. Because I sat there. My resources all used up. The closest people to me shut off. My life lines already called. And I made myself feel all of it. All the pain. A sick, sadistic punishment. I didn't get the luxury of getting numb, of getting high.

So there.