to fill your mind with bullshit. I'm not going to ellaborate on some awe-inspiring quote I heard way's back to sounds really insightful and optimisitc. No, I'm going to be blunt with you. And tell you that my life is spiralling down the drain. Or what's left of it at least.
Don't be mislead, now. I don't feel sorry for myself. I'm not trying to evoke any sympathy from you, anonymous blog reader, either. Sometimes it just feels nice to get it all out there. Especially tonight.
You said you didn't need this sort of thing.
Yeah, I don't blame you. I know I'm annoying. I know nobody wants to befriend or date the one with baggage. Well that aside even, I don't know who would want to be around me period. I wouldn't want to meet me if I saw me at a party, I wouldn't want me to join the circle of desks to work on homework, I wouldn't want to date me. I know I'm a "burden".
You said you can't be my friend anymore.
Yeah, I don't blame you either. This isn't a very fair ultimatum though. How can I put up a defense for the special relationship that we have if I don't even want to be friends with myself? This isn't the way for to get me to stop.
But on tonight, the night I'm not here, the night that I don't exist in anyone's eyes, is really the night that I'm more present than any other. Because I sat there. My resources all used up. The closest people to me shut off. My life lines already called. And I made myself feel all of it. All the pain. A sick, sadistic punishment. I didn't get the luxury of getting numb, of getting high.
So there.
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