2 blogs in under 24 hours

Despite my innate need to analyze and hypothesize, what I really need is something I can't articulate. Its nonverbal: I need love. The sort of thing where my mind will shut off and my heart will take over, if you will. Something that I can feel, not describe.

What I do feel is the scariness of my potential. I feel the warmth of my friends, but I don't deserve it. I feel the sincerity of my anonymous formspring posts, telling me that I'm genuinely a good person, but I fear that those people are misled. I feel wasted. I know that I got a 4.0 last semester, and that I have a high vocabulary, and I can write well, but I don't feel smart. Here I am, not at school but alternatively reading while drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. It's not that I'm not sick, I'm just tired and don't feel like it. Like so many other days.

It scares me. I look around my room- and see tons of books, and trash, and dirty dishes, and so many clothes on my floor that you can't even see my carpet- and all I want is out of this mess. I don't know how I got to this point. I wonder where I went.