Senior Year

The weirdest part about me being a senior is that I have felt no change and have felt a tremendous change at the same time. Being a freshman, you could spot out the older girls... the well-dressed ones who seemed to radiate coolness through their confident, more-mature mannerisms. I don't feel older, I don't feel a heightened sense of fashion, and aside from losing the doe-eyed look in the halls, not much has changed. I still identify myself as me from 8th grade me; I can remember memories from then up until now as though they were yesterday, and not only that but all my previous emotions are still so tangible to me.

At the same time, however, nothing is the same. My outlook on things are completely different, the way I act is completely different. I never EVER could have imagined myself at where I am right now. Two years ago, if you were to tell me I would smoke weed daily, get a tattoo, go on vacation with Lacey, or even become best friends with Katy Conti, I would have laughed in your face.

I can't explain how I got here. I know that I have felt anguish, and it was often blank, undifferentiated. Rarely would it carry a clearly written label that also contains its motivation, and any label it did have was mendacious. I've learned at this point that someone can believe or declare their self to be anguished for one reason and be so due to something different. You can think that you are suffering facing the future and instead be rapt with the passed. You can think that your suffering for others, out of pity or compassion, but deep down you know that it's for your own reasons- more or less profound, more or less avowed- and sometimes they are so deep that only specialists, analysts of the souls, can exhume them.

Regardless, I feel immense excitement gearing towards this year. Reasons include: taking Kirsten and Katy to school every morning, Katy being in my 5th period philosophy class and leaving everyday with her, my new-found friendship with Lacey, no longer being the ostracism and receiving general acceptance from my peers (this eliminates my fear of nutrition break), having two jobs, and having an easy schedule.

The Snowball Effect

Can someone please explain it to me? How is this possible: First I'm in a good mood, but my eyes get watery because Ali, the glamorous Bachelorette from season 6, clearlyyyyy made the wrong decision in the end. But as the tears start pooling together, it's like all my problems flash before me. The reality T.V. series gets me worked up over the heartbreak, then some stupid person said some stupid thing that got me upset over a similar heartbreak of my own, and then, before I know it, I'm a wreck. So first its Ali then its Nick then its loss then its Katy then its nostalgia then its Jordan then its back to loss then it's the cause of all the hurt I am, and soon enough the tear drops that were once plump and perfectly round are falling down the side of my face at such an uncontrollable rate that you can no longer see the perfect streaks left behind, but instead just a blotchy, red, wet complexion. It's like the filter of recall is itself altered, so that it blocks out anything but the darkest colors of the spectrum. Being unhappy precludes all else. The feeling is narcissistic, nothing that does not resonate with my unhappiness can interest me. That's when time becomes palpable and vicious. Every minute, every second, every nanosecond, gets wrapped around my spine so that my nerves tighten and ache. At that point I fade into abstraction. A self-generated narcosis creates a painful blank where my mind used to be. I feel the numbness come over me. It's so familiar, yet each time it feels worse than anything, I'm sure. Numbness is an understatement. It's more of a deep freeze, in which the ice threatens to crack at any minute, except underneath there won't be water, there won't be any fluid at all, just more and more layers of ice... ice cubes and icebergs and ice floes and ice statues, where a girl used to be.