Senior Year

The weirdest part about me being a senior is that I have felt no change and have felt a tremendous change at the same time. Being a freshman, you could spot out the older girls... the well-dressed ones who seemed to radiate coolness through their confident, more-mature mannerisms. I don't feel older, I don't feel a heightened sense of fashion, and aside from losing the doe-eyed look in the halls, not much has changed. I still identify myself as me from 8th grade me; I can remember memories from then up until now as though they were yesterday, and not only that but all my previous emotions are still so tangible to me.

At the same time, however, nothing is the same. My outlook on things are completely different, the way I act is completely different. I never EVER could have imagined myself at where I am right now. Two years ago, if you were to tell me I would smoke weed daily, get a tattoo, go on vacation with Lacey, or even become best friends with Katy Conti, I would have laughed in your face.

I can't explain how I got here. I know that I have felt anguish, and it was often blank, undifferentiated. Rarely would it carry a clearly written label that also contains its motivation, and any label it did have was mendacious. I've learned at this point that someone can believe or declare their self to be anguished for one reason and be so due to something different. You can think that you are suffering facing the future and instead be rapt with the passed. You can think that your suffering for others, out of pity or compassion, but deep down you know that it's for your own reasons- more or less profound, more or less avowed- and sometimes they are so deep that only specialists, analysts of the souls, can exhume them.

Regardless, I feel immense excitement gearing towards this year. Reasons include: taking Kirsten and Katy to school every morning, Katy being in my 5th period philosophy class and leaving everyday with her, my new-found friendship with Lacey, no longer being the ostracism and receiving general acceptance from my peers (this eliminates my fear of nutrition break), having two jobs, and having an easy schedule.