"nobody cares if you're miserable so you might as well be happy"

I feel so fucking down, so broken. I hate to whimper and whine like that but I just feel so fucked up and on the very edge of my mental and physical strength. I’m crying so much, I’m just at the bottom of everything.
The one person I need to talk to, I can't. So instead I call my mom, my brother, I even call my fucking dad for some comfort. No answer. The only person who was once here to understand me was busy with her new homework. Old friends? Don't pick up. If I don't talk to someone I'm going to explode. I’m sad for no reason, I’m crying for no reason, everyday. So I dial the number that's been ingrained in my head for five years since we're civil again, and ironically the only person who has time to sit and talk me through my problems is the one living in Arizona with his new girlfriend. I felt less cold, empty, misunderstood and fucking alone. Some people can change that for some moments, for some hours or I can hide it for a while.
But every second I feel how inside I fall apart and I have no idea how to stop that. Why the hell is that happening to me? Why isn't my medicine helping me? Why can't I be normal? I'm constantly lost in my thoughtsand fucking things up. Why do I do this to myself? How can I turn my life into something wonderful and colorful? All I want is to stop crying and start smiling. and sleeping well.
But I suffer in silence without notice or care.