my last post is pretty ironic, considering I haven't posted anything online since in Rome. but I have been writing, just privately in my journal since I rarely have wifi or time to transcribe what I've written.
but tonight I write. why? because it's 4 in the morning here in Italy and I just got hurt and what else do I do other than blog about shit at these hours?
the details are unimportant. maybe they are, but it's just so redundant. this bullshit is never-ending and it just gets old, embarrassing, frankly pathetic to talk about.
what happened is not what I'm writing about. what I want to share is this:
I have felt complacent for quite some time. not happy, not sad, just going through the motions. **being in Italy is an exception to this statement
in other words, I have felt very numb. unable to feel
and I'm realizing tonight, that as much as pain fucking sucks, at least you can FEEL it. it is real. I am a real human being, with emotions.
I don't know if it's because I care about you, or more so that I care about MY dignity and self-respect, but I can't remember the last time my heart as thumped so loudly in my chest, that my hands have been so sweaty, or that my stomach has rested in my throat.
and I don't mean to say that I miss pain or turmoil, but I have missed being able to react. to care. this is refreshing, in a weird masochistic sort of way. maybe I feel liberated. maybe I feel weighed down. I don't know what the fuck I feel but at least I'm feeling something
it's like I've been in dreamland. that suggests some sort of idyllic state so maybe not dreamland, but zombieland. and someone has just pinched me. and I've woken up. snapped to.
my eyes are open and I can see. my heart is open and I can feel
where to go from here... that's something I'm still figuring out
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