"The Dead Girl", by Melanie Thernstrom

"It was like sawdust, the unhappiness: it infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry- school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, the fear of future, fear in general- but it was hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place."

I'm starting to feel like I can't maintain my facade any longer, that I just might start to show through, and I wish I knew what was wrong. I have this palpable, absolute sense that I'm breaking down and there's really no good reason as to why, and- even worse- there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm certain that they'll never understand the philosophical underpinnings of the state I'm in. Sometimes I'm just fine, I can cope with the ebb and tide of life, I can handle the setbacks with aplomb, I can be a good sport. But when my head is clean and clear of this clutter of reason and rationality, what I'm mostly thinking is: why? Why take it like a man? Why be mature? Why accept adversity? Why surrender with grace the follies of youth? Why put up with the bullshit?

The thing is that the nature of life- even normal, sane, not depressed life- has worn me down and will continue to wear me down even more. It's just a fact that if I am to grow up, and get married, and eventually have kids, and do all the normal, happy things, along the way I will have so much trial and error to go through, so much living that I can only anticipate with dread.

There will be so many more Nicks, so many more heartbreaks, so many more cycles of elation at the first kiss, and devastation when it's over. I accept this pattern as a perfectly decent way for people to make their way through the "mating game", but I can't handle it. I am so wrecked already, so unstable, a piece of work who was never given the tools it takes to deal with what everyone else considers business as usual. I am not equipped with any emotional resilience, can't go with the flow, can't stand steady when the boat rocks and rolls. I have been robbed of that give, that elasticity that everyone else calls perspective.