I was unsure of how those tears came in the shower, in solitude. I said goodbye what seems like ages ago. And then I realized it was only when you truly let go to that I knew hello was never coming from you again… I've finally become genuinely and sincerely thankful for that.
I became afraid of love. I thought it would take so much time to overcome, like a fine wine aging in the cellar. My biggest fear was never loving anyone again the way I loved you. I was wrong, it's so completely possible!
"Kaelee, come outside, I need to give you something." I went outside, in my glasses and pajamas. He then took my face in his hands, gently but with raging passion, and kissed me. His kiss came as a suprise, something remarkable, something sensational. The kind of kiss ... the one you lose yourself in. I realized that I don't want to kiss anyone else but him and my heart was beating three times its normal pace; the world around me disappeared except me and him. It reduced my bones to rubber and my brain to gruel. It was an exciting kind of sensation that you can't help but fall in love with. I felt reborn. I felt something melt inside me that hurt in an exquistite way. All my longings, all my dreams and sweat anguish, all the secrets that slept deep within me came awake. Everything was transformed and enchanted, everything made sense.
When I saw him for the first time, amid the gloom and travail of existence suddenly to behold a beautiful being... instantaneously I felt an overwhelming conviction that I'm smitten. Sparks flew from first glances; I'm embracing it, letting it glow. What I find, I won't mind, I already want him as mine. He showed me happiness in a time I found it impossible, leaving me speachless yet full of laughter and the same time. Unfathomable radiancy... as the days grow so does my crimson heart for him. This feeling is so overpowering, I'm afraid it will disappear. For all the words I know, there are profound ones I cannot utter without thinking of him. Does he get nervous like I do? Do I spread a smile across his handsome face like he does to me? I have found butterflies again, like I've never known before. I find myself waiting for him, in desperation and in hope. I just want to hold him, and to make him proud of me. The feeling of disappointing him makes me cringe. He has told me he cares, but it's hard for me to grasp. It doesn't make sense to me, that's why I trust it. Why is everything going so right? This can't be correct. I don't want to be under someone's spell again; the last time I was burned so badly. But it's far better to give your all and smother than to withhold hopes of a new relationship. I'm so happy for myself for the willingness to take a chance. There seems to be a rosey hue casted over everything now. I want to thank him for stepping into my world, he brought light.
The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt, and don't forget the amount of frogs you have to kiss before you find your prince!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
oh boy
I passed out, the cops came, my money was stolen, and glasses were broken. Cleaning this morning was awful, and I feel sick. I am so humiliated. I can hardly remember last night, but the glimpses I caught which are on repeat in my mind aren't pretty.
But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment is an effect so sincere. I mean, if I've embarrassed myself and am going to laugh over it one day, why not start now? Anger is weakness, tolerance is bravery. Humility makes you strong. Humility means to understand the self and through that to understand others as well. Humility is the attitude where a person is not attached to his or her opinion and feelings. Humility is the most natural expression of truth. It helps in better understanding of truth. Humility is the basis for maintaining self-respect. Developing humility brings a lot of comfort and ease into your life. I'm not insecure. I've been through way to much shit to be insecure. I've got huge balls. But I've been humbled. And that makes you greatful for everything. It helps you see things better and take things lighter. True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be. When you accept yourself completely you do not have to maintain a phony front, drive yourself to achieve, or feel insecure if people tune-in to you and what you are doing, Smile, for everyone lacks self-confidence and more than any other one thing a smile reassures them.
We all want things that we know are bad for us. Everyone has dangerous facinations or unhealthy fixations. Some of them are a little harder to explain than others. But most of us know how to keep our impulses in check, fight off our darker instincts. My opinion for the critics about alcohol, drugs, or anything in that matter: What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I hook up with- as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? Last night was a blast. I love my friends and I'm so grateful for their help which I so clearly and desperately needed. Well, I'm hungry. And my parents just got home. It was nice chatting.
But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment is an effect so sincere. I mean, if I've embarrassed myself and am going to laugh over it one day, why not start now? Anger is weakness, tolerance is bravery. Humility makes you strong. Humility means to understand the self and through that to understand others as well. Humility is the attitude where a person is not attached to his or her opinion and feelings. Humility is the most natural expression of truth. It helps in better understanding of truth. Humility is the basis for maintaining self-respect. Developing humility brings a lot of comfort and ease into your life. I'm not insecure. I've been through way to much shit to be insecure. I've got huge balls. But I've been humbled. And that makes you greatful for everything. It helps you see things better and take things lighter. True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be. When you accept yourself completely you do not have to maintain a phony front, drive yourself to achieve, or feel insecure if people tune-in to you and what you are doing, Smile, for everyone lacks self-confidence and more than any other one thing a smile reassures them.
We all want things that we know are bad for us. Everyone has dangerous facinations or unhealthy fixations. Some of them are a little harder to explain than others. But most of us know how to keep our impulses in check, fight off our darker instincts. My opinion for the critics about alcohol, drugs, or anything in that matter: What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I hook up with- as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? Last night was a blast. I love my friends and I'm so grateful for their help which I so clearly and desperately needed. Well, I'm hungry. And my parents just got home. It was nice chatting.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
it hurts
I buried the box in the backyard today.
It's been on my mind for a while now... but for the first time, finally, it seems like a grave. Not a time capsule.
Life goes on, theres no rewind button. I move forward knowing I gave it my all. Be well, do good with your life, and please, don't keep in touch.
It's been on my mind for a while now... but for the first time, finally, it seems like a grave. Not a time capsule.
Life goes on, theres no rewind button. I move forward knowing I gave it my all. Be well, do good with your life, and please, don't keep in touch.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Jamba Juice
I went to Jamba Juice today. As I was leaving, a kind old man held the door open for me. I smiled sweetly, and said thank you. I noticed a little girl was walking out behind me, she was probably about 7 or 8. I held the door open for her, and she gave me wide-grinned gap-toothed smile and said thaank youu.
Life is all about patterns. It's a cycle. A series of events, meetings, and departures. Friends discovered, others lost. Precious time wastes away. Big droplet tears are shed for yesterday, but are dried in time for tomorrow... Until all that remains are foggy, broken memories of a happy yesteryear. Don't get me wrong, human life itself is pure chaos. Everyone takes their stance, asserts his or her own rights and feelings, mistakes the motives of others, and their own. But it IS all a pattern of everyday things. Walking the same path to your classes in the hall, getting ready the same way in the morning, buying the same thing at nutrition break... For example, without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation, just as worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear. No matter what, no matter for whom, no matter what your outlook is, life IS a cycle; it's dependent on you whether it's vicious or not.
My personal opinion is that everything is backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Go into a retirement home, get kicked out when your too young. Buy yourself a nice car, work for 45 years until your young enough to enjoy your retirement. Get ready for high school. Do drugs, drink, have sex. Become a kid, go to grade school, have no responsibilites. And finally, spend your last nine months floating.
How is one bound, and how is one freed of his bounds? Who is subject to karma, and who is beyond it? And how, please tell me, does one escape the vicious cycle? Sorry, this is depressing.
Life is all about patterns. It's a cycle. A series of events, meetings, and departures. Friends discovered, others lost. Precious time wastes away. Big droplet tears are shed for yesterday, but are dried in time for tomorrow... Until all that remains are foggy, broken memories of a happy yesteryear. Don't get me wrong, human life itself is pure chaos. Everyone takes their stance, asserts his or her own rights and feelings, mistakes the motives of others, and their own. But it IS all a pattern of everyday things. Walking the same path to your classes in the hall, getting ready the same way in the morning, buying the same thing at nutrition break... For example, without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation, just as worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear. No matter what, no matter for whom, no matter what your outlook is, life IS a cycle; it's dependent on you whether it's vicious or not.
My personal opinion is that everything is backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Go into a retirement home, get kicked out when your too young. Buy yourself a nice car, work for 45 years until your young enough to enjoy your retirement. Get ready for high school. Do drugs, drink, have sex. Become a kid, go to grade school, have no responsibilites. And finally, spend your last nine months floating.
How is one bound, and how is one freed of his bounds? Who is subject to karma, and who is beyond it? And how, please tell me, does one escape the vicious cycle? Sorry, this is depressing.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Ptolemy
It's a scary thought. 10 years from now, none of these people are going to matter. Everyone's going to be off doing his or her own thing, making a life for themselves. We get so wrapped up in high school, it's ridiculous. Us high schoolers, for the most part, have all had our fair share of dilemmas and have learned to tackle our own everyday obstacles: homework, sports, peers, gossip, etc. What happens when these life lessons become meaningless? And when we're faced with a completely new set of lessons that require an equal amount of time and patience as each problematic situation we've so far endured?
Gosh, I'm so tired of these self centered people who seem to appear in countless numbers... People thinking that the world revolves around them and their problems. This often results in being so worried about his or her own condition, that they become oblivious to the walking wounded around them. Just today, I was talking to a girl who seemed to have a bad case of "elevator eyes". I realized that not only with me, but whomever else this person talked to, she would eye from head to toe, to see if that person's outfit was as nice, or if she was as equally groomed. It gave her some sick superiority complex. I feel like as I mature, I get smaller. I see other parts of the world I didn't see before. Other points of view. I see outside myself more.
Nothing's beautiful from every point of view. Our paradigms are often way off whack, and as a result create limitations. For example, someone thinks that someone else is a bitch. Well, what you see is what you get. If you want to believe that that person is a _____ (insert synonymous noun here), then you will look for evidence to prove your case. Those who forget good and evil and seek only to know the facts are more likely to achieve good than those who view the world through the distorting medium of their own desires. Cast a rosy hue on everything you do. The way you remember the past depends upon your hope for the future. And if what you see in your future has no hope, it has no potential, then you view the past that brought you to here as not very good.
I've always felt that a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting points of view he or she can entertain simultaneously on the same topic. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. But then again, Ptolemy was just as convinced that the Earth was the center of the universe.
Basically, and I'm not sure how I led myself to this, but the facts are simple: It's easier to go down a hill than up it, but the view is much better at the top. Thank you for listening to my torrents.
Gosh, I'm so tired of these self centered people who seem to appear in countless numbers... People thinking that the world revolves around them and their problems. This often results in being so worried about his or her own condition, that they become oblivious to the walking wounded around them. Just today, I was talking to a girl who seemed to have a bad case of "elevator eyes". I realized that not only with me, but whomever else this person talked to, she would eye from head to toe, to see if that person's outfit was as nice, or if she was as equally groomed. It gave her some sick superiority complex. I feel like as I mature, I get smaller. I see other parts of the world I didn't see before. Other points of view. I see outside myself more.
Nothing's beautiful from every point of view. Our paradigms are often way off whack, and as a result create limitations. For example, someone thinks that someone else is a bitch. Well, what you see is what you get. If you want to believe that that person is a _____ (insert synonymous noun here), then you will look for evidence to prove your case. Those who forget good and evil and seek only to know the facts are more likely to achieve good than those who view the world through the distorting medium of their own desires. Cast a rosy hue on everything you do. The way you remember the past depends upon your hope for the future. And if what you see in your future has no hope, it has no potential, then you view the past that brought you to here as not very good.
I've always felt that a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting points of view he or she can entertain simultaneously on the same topic. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. But then again, Ptolemy was just as convinced that the Earth was the center of the universe.
Basically, and I'm not sure how I led myself to this, but the facts are simple: It's easier to go down a hill than up it, but the view is much better at the top. Thank you for listening to my torrents.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Relax
Just for this one night,
I will not think about you.
I will have fun,
and laugh again.
And enjoy every minute.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Note to Self
In all honesty, nobody really cares if you're miserable so you might as well be happy. I don't know whether the universe, with its countless galaxies, stars, and planets, has a deeper meaning, but at the very least it is clear that we humans who live on this Earth face the task of making a happy life for ourselves. Think of how humbling it is to realize that the world wouldn't be the same if one person did not exist.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
scar tissue and callus
Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?...
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. The impact hit me harder than The Hulk on steroids. And at that moment I began to feel paranoid that cupid dropped his arrows, picked up a gun, and pulled the trigger.
It's over. It's been over. And that's the way it's going to remain forever. And that's a promise. And unlike you... I don't break them.
Love is horrible. It makes you incredibly vulnerable. It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that somone can get inside you. You build up all these defenses, a suit of armor even, so that nothing can hurt you... Then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your life.. You give them a piece of you, which they didn't ask for. They just did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and all of a sudden your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the dark. So simple a look of ignorance feels like a glass splinter working its way through your heart. Its awful. It hurts. Not only emotionally, but rather the real rip-you-apart type pain.
Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so. When you start to abandon your old beliefs or values, you may be stuck at a threshold. Before moving on, you have to clear away your cherished beliefs. Time, for me at least, is starting to heal things. As of now I know this.. Your opinions of me were wrong - I am not that bad. My opinions of you were wrong, too - you weren't all that great. In conclusion, when it comes to the affairs of love and hurt, you have to wait for your heart to learn what your head already knows, then you can free yourself.
Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. The impact hit me harder than The Hulk on steroids. And at that moment I began to feel paranoid that cupid dropped his arrows, picked up a gun, and pulled the trigger.
It's over. It's been over. And that's the way it's going to remain forever. And that's a promise. And unlike you... I don't break them.
Love is horrible. It makes you incredibly vulnerable. It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that somone can get inside you. You build up all these defenses, a suit of armor even, so that nothing can hurt you... Then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your life.. You give them a piece of you, which they didn't ask for. They just did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and all of a sudden your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the dark. So simple a look of ignorance feels like a glass splinter working its way through your heart. Its awful. It hurts. Not only emotionally, but rather the real rip-you-apart type pain.
Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so. When you start to abandon your old beliefs or values, you may be stuck at a threshold. Before moving on, you have to clear away your cherished beliefs. Time, for me at least, is starting to heal things. As of now I know this.. Your opinions of me were wrong - I am not that bad. My opinions of you were wrong, too - you weren't all that great. In conclusion, when it comes to the affairs of love and hurt, you have to wait for your heart to learn what your head already knows, then you can free yourself.
Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Questionable
Life, I'm convinced, is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. Humor is vague, runaway stuff that hisses around the fissures and crevices of the mind, like some sort of loose physic gas.
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