Ebenezer

Whatever, call me Scrooge. I officially don't like holidays.

Today feels much too like my birthday. A day I've learned to abhor since I was thirteen and began to think.

Why, you wonder? It has nothing to do with presents, expectations, etc.

It does, however, have A LOT to do with disappointments and let downs. Sooooo fucking much emphasis is placed on holidays... These - oh shit - "God given" days carry so much weight, and they only happen once a year. In turn, it goes without question that these "sacred" days are loaded with unequivocal significance, and throughout the years you are trained as a child to expect prepare for a certain something.

Again, this has nothing to do with presents. I recognize the holidays have a deeper meaning than gift-giving... such as the importance of family and whatnot. Don't get me wrong, I love my family. And that makes hating the holidays even more depressing... being unable to participate with the joy. I admit that a time or two I have found myself swept up in the "Christmas spirit"..

But that's just it. That's what I have an issue with. This spirit thing. The happiness your family not only expects to see out of you, but the happiness and excitement you yourself hope to feel. Or at least I know I was, waiting around for Christmas to come, as if it were some sort of cure-all... Because what happens when you're fucked up in the head like I am? And everyone wants you so desperately to just be HAPPY, 'tis the season and all that jazz?? And you just can't? And you lay in your room by yourself all day while your family enjoys the holidays because you can't snap your fingers and put a fake smile on? And what about when you're thrown curveballs??? So not only did the day suck before, but then it takes a 180 degree turn from how it was 'supposed to be'???

Personally, I'd rather just excuse myself from the holidays altogether. Pretend like my birthday doesn't exist. Start spending Christmas snowboarding and or some shit. It's bad enough that I have to deal with my disappointment annually, but why be even more of a bother to everyone else and sour their mood, too? I wish I could control my emotions. I truly, truly do.

And this is why this stupid blog is called "ramblings". Because I ramble over stupid, stupid nonsense. Even I want to punch myself in the face reading this gibberish.

snow

I
wantneed to go to the snow soon. I need the comfort. I need to be able to lie in the snow, feel the cold, the wet, the sharp sting of the snow touching my skin. I need to feel the suffering of my body just so I know the suffering in my head isn't alone.

risk

conflicted in happiness
torn at my essence
by a broken past and a promising future
dare i breathe in the delights of another
i wish to shed my hard protective shell
and let all that is delicate be nurtured
in the harmony of love my soul does flourish
but in discord its effect is devastating
i hang on to what is lost
so as not to connect with what is now
though i have put up strong resistance he has reached my insides
and he grasps all that is delicate
i wish to surrender to him
give up this insurrection
i want to sing in harmony a memorable melody
a song of one shared life
a song that makes cynics puke disdain
but in surrender i risk everything

without warmth

The cold finds us early now. Bites at our noses peeking above the covers, nips at our heels as we flee into the clothes that will protect us through the day. Warm me now. Warm me.

Hoping to Reciprocate

Everyone is cracked or broken in places they feel are irreparable, as sanity and joy slips through these crevasses caused by those instances in our journey we would like to forget. Are these vessels we inhabit supposed to remain in a pristine, tightly sealed condition, or are these crevasses created so others can seep in and do repairs or more damage? I have had a few sneak in and increase the gap, but this one has made his way in and patched up some of the damage with words of encouragement and an unwavering faith in me.

So after years of feeling that my broken status was less than ideal, I welcome those moments where he slips in and makes himself at home.

needy...

the need, drips from me
covering everything
I touch, everything
I come in contact with.
I try to catch it,
before it gets the chance
to ruin anything,
but it always does.
eventually, the neediness in me 
overwhelms it’s victims
leaving them 
worn and listless,
and seeking refuge

Do you ever feel that sinking in your stomach to the floor
When your hands won't stop shaking
And you can't take anymore?

Fun House Images

The timeline gets warped and I can’t find the opening – any opening – to get back in. I search frantically, trying every doorknob but they're not really doors they're just mirrors reflecting a fun house image back at me, big nose and wild eyes and electrified hair and I can't find the actual door. Life goes on around me but I don't get it, can't figure out how to plug back in and live, whatever that even means. I see them, everyday people, just walking on the street, or going to class, or smoking cigarettes in front of marble buildings built to outlast humans and I can't imagine. I just don't know how they do it. How do they get out of bed? And eat and dress and laugh and go out in the world, and how do they do it so effortlessly, so joyously? I envy them and pity them all the same. Sometimes I yearn.. oh how I yearn.. to join them, to fall in line and be one with the happy, sunny world all around – to be normal, so bone-crushingly normal it hurts my insides... and all these years later, still forever with my nose against the glass, an empty vessel waiting to be filled, a hollow head floating toward the ceiling like a sad balloon, wanting to fly free over the trees, nothing left to see except a red dot disappearing on the horizon.

Do you ever have those moments that no temperature or duration of shower can erase?

I took a shower to wash away this Grime of Emotions, clinging to my heart and soul. It wouldn't come off; soap and water does not help. The hot almost-scalding water poured over my skin, hitting every pore in case these Emotions were hiding there, clinging for life... but their power is strong and all I did was stand there with a sad face, the water hitting me with all its grace. I just stood there helpless. I felt my heart beating heavily, my thoughts can't even escape the might of Melancholy and Worry. I stood there, getting physically clean, but emotionally, I don't know. The skin on my fingers turned wrinkly and said it's time to get out. So I turned off the shower and dried myself off, but this Grime of Emotions was still there. My heart dropped and went along with the rest of the water down the drain.

Typical

The signs are all there.
Yet all I can see is
the sparkle in your eyes.

I just try to be kind
And speak my mind
Doing my best to be a good person.
Sometimes I wish I was less kind,
Can never get rid of the thoughts in my mind.