And so it is.

The start of a new school year. Or somewhat, I know I'm a bit overdue. However I think everyone can understand the initial overwhelming stress that comes with AP's. New beginnings, aren't they the greatest? Although it never really happens in Thousand Oaks. Maybe someone forgets about you for a few months, and when school picks back up you reestablish yourself, but everyone still knows you. Perhaps your name hasn't been cleared of something or you will forever have the title of The Jock, The Bitch, The Stoner, The Slut, et cetera, et cetera. But I realized that doesn't matter. What does actually matter is the clean slate that you provide yourself with. Because living with integrity means 1- not settling for less than you deserve, especially in the field of relationships... 2- asking for what you want and need from others, rather than being paraphrastic or having ulterior motives... 3- speaking your truth, even though it may create conflict or tension... 4- behaving in ways that match your personal values... and lastly, 5- making choices based on what you believe, not what others believe. Reflecting back, I feel partially that I am the polar opposite of myself one year ago. But at the same time I feel so exactly the same. And what I realized is that I have grown SO much as a person. I worked on areas that I know needed improvement and bettered myself as a person. I know I owe a lot of that to the people who put me through everything I've dealt with. Its high school. Friends fluxuate. Life goes on. If certain people would like to go around making enemies their last few years of high school, that's their personal problem. I have people in my life that I know truly care for me and will always be there, and I would so much rather have that then a number of faulty friendships. So as of right now I'm taking care of business. I'm going to my classes, preoccupying myself at break, leaving at lunch, working, and seeing my friends on the weekend. And I am so wonderfully content with that.

Like a million times before...

Stillness- That's what I feel like. An electric, living stillness, the feeling of stasis rubbing against change. The hum you hear when you meditate, the loudness of nothing. I feel empty. It doesn't feel so bad.

ha haa

My internal eyeballs rolled so hard they practically bounced. We accept the love we think we deserve.

I have no armor left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever's left of me, whatever I am, is yours.

in correlation to last night's post

I can't believe your audacity and your blantant intentions to be down right cruel. It is sickening, why do you act like that? I'm not going to pretend as if it didn't bother me. It did, it really really did. Mission accomplished. At least I maintained my composer until the parking lot. I didn't even know it at first until I made that God-awful croaking sound. I like the snot to run a little, the tears to accumulate a bit before reaching for the sleeve. Then I know I'm really crying. Crying just isn't crying unless it's messy. And then I was laughing. Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion. Why the sudden change of heart, you ask? Well because you, my friend, are living an empty, meaningless life. You are in denial, I (clearly) am not. I realized that I am so much above this. I dont mean that in a conceited way. But not only have I not sucked eight dicks in one night, ehem, but I am also a good person, and that's more than you can say. I have morals and a conscience that provides me with guidelines for what is right and wrong. You (clearly) do not and therefore are unaware of how to act in socially acceptable ways. You, a person who is constantly rude to all people, do not hate me. You hate yourself. You have unresolved internal issues which cause you to inflict bitchyness among others. I can't fix you, but I will not let you 'bring me down'. The more mature person is the one who does not act, or in this case react, to a person's demeanor without first taking it into consideration. It is the more mature and wiser person who will just let it ride. Being polite to others will always reside in higher regard than those who would chose otherwise.

so long

Get over yourself. I know that you are self-absorbed, yes, but honestly this is over the top. Reasonable people adapt themselves to the world. Unreasonable people adapt the world to themselves. All progess, therefore, depends on unreasonable people. People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and if they can't find them, make them. And circumstances and situations shouldn't create who you are, they should reveal who you are.

I find it interesting how most people relate to the standard 8-color box of crayons. I fancy myself to be the 64-color, with a few missing, but that's okay because I've got some more vibrant colors such as periwinkle at my disposal. There's so many different colors of life, feeling, and articulation... it's frustrating when I'm like "hey girl, magenta!", and she's like "oh you mean purple" and goes off on her purple thing while I'm thinking to myself "no I want magenta". When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with judgements, and motivated by pride and vanity. I'm tough, ambitious, and I know exactly what I want. If that makes me a bitch, okay. The way I see it is the more people that hate me, the less I have to get along with. Don't worry about me or what I do. What happens in my life has nothing to do with you. Do what you think is right and to hell with your popularity. Summer starts tomorrow and instead of being phased by all the PMSing 12 year-olds lately, I find myself surrounded by people who actually care about me. And that's more than you can say. So there.

does this make sense?

I feel good and bad at the same time, like drinking too much Starbucks coffee. Both excited and scared, like being caught in the ocean without enough time to retreat from the breaking wave but being too far from it to dive under. Something coming, being unable to stop it.

this one's for nat

It hurts to look back and I have to admit I'm scared to look ahead, but I'm so content with where I am right now. We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love. We will cry over things we used to laugh and our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes. And in the end, the tectonic layers of our lives will rest so tightly on top of one another that we will always come up against earlier events in later ones. Not as matter that has been fully formed and pushed aside, but absolutely present and alive.

There is nothing more dreadful than the habit of doubt. And although certainty is ridiculous, doubt separates people... A poison that disintegrates friendships and breaks up pleasant relations.. a thorn that irritates and hurts. It makes us lose the good we might have won by fearing to attempt. So with that I propose that life is to be lived, and you don't do that by sitting around wondering about yourself. Instead, try living one day without any unhealthy thoughts. It will inevitably be very difficult, yes, but try again until it becomes habitual, and life will move in the direction of becoming healthy, vital, and alive. You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I've lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' Don't ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive... the passion and pain and laughter and tears... and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive. I honestly don't believe that people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.

Take time to deliberate; but when the time for action arrives, stop thinking and go in. Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. Remember that it is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is snot effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed, who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

"The best way out is always through."

Time

Time is priceless, yet it costs us nothing. You can do anything you want with it, but you can't own it. You can spend it, but you can't keep it. And once you've lost it, there's no getting it back. It's just... gone. And to live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else.

It was like a hand pinching an arm numbed by injection. The arm doesn't register that it is being pinched by the hand, and the hand registers it is pinching the arm, and at first, the mind cannot tell the two of them apart. But a moment later it distinguishes them quite clearly. Perhaps the hand has pinched so hard that the flesh stays white for a while. Then the blood flows back and the spot regains color. But that does not bring back sensation.

"It"

Often in my life, I have done things I have consciously decided not to do. Something- whatever it may be- goes into action. "It" goes to the man I no longer want to be associated with, etc. I'm under the assumption that others are in my same position. "It" makes the remark to the boss which costs you your head; "it" keeps on smoking although you have decided to quit, and then quits smoking once you've accepted the fact that you're a smoker and always will be. I don't mean to say that thinking and reaching decisions have no influence on behavior. But behavior does not merely enact whatever has already been thought through and decided. It has its own sources, and is my behavior, quite independently, just as my thoughts are my thoughts, and my decisions my decisions.

resurrection

I have an internal alarm clock system and find it impossible to sleep past 9:00 a.m., so upon my late arrival home Friday night I took sleeping medicine. I ended up taking too much and slept till 3:00 in the afternoon on Saturday. That, in turn, created another late night. I was up till 4:00 in the morning watching various movies on Starz such as Parent Trap. To say the least, this was a rough morning but nevertheless I found myself at church to appease my mom this Easter Sunday. I haven't been in easily over a year. I sat in the pew beside my brother, twiddling my thumbs and watching the morning light find its way through the stain glass windows in streaks illuminating dust particles throughout the air. In an attempt to drain out the senior choir, I began browsing through the pamphlet. I came across a list of people who asked to be kept in the congregation's prayers.

There was a man who was electrocuted while building houses in Mexico. How's that for irony? Humor brings insight and tolerance. I find that irony brings a deeper and less friendly understanding. And then that got me to thinking about the whole concept of Easter and resurrection... In my opinion it's not the concept of life after death but instead life before death which is important and requires an equal amount of attention. I looked to my left and saw senior citizens slumped in their seat who looked like they deserved to be on a ventilator. Don't get me wrong, I find it remarkably admirable that these people have their faith to hold on to, but the thought that they force themselves out of their homes to make it to the church because they feel obligated to seems miserable. It becomes a question of whether or not these pietistic Christians spend their lives striving to achieve a glorious life after their death and while doing so set aside their own personal will or happiness. And considering everything beyond life is one huge question it seems imbecilic to have such a mentality. And this concept ventures far beyond the matter of faith. We need to start living. Living lives for ourselves. Not do what we feel obligated to do, not do what we think we should, but instead do what we think we can't. It's such a waste of our precious time and energy to please other people. So today I stopped doing just that and started thinking about what feels natural and what feels right to me and started making myself happy. It felt good. Only my opinion though.

contemplation

We have a lot of choices. Since getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and I'm not smiling on a regular basis, I'll try another one. The way you react to situations in life is at your personal discretion. It is your decision, and yours alone, to determine the importance you give to any situation. Vacillating people seldom succeed. After kinder garden, we have no simple options. Good decisions come from experience, and experience comes from bad decisions. Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday.

Be miserable or motivate yourself. Whatever you have to do, it's up to you. That's what life is. It's the sum of all your choices.

Better to be despised for too anxious reluctance, than be ruined by too confident a security. But I feel, however, my mind is not strong enough to bear the weight of its ignorance and risks questioning itself and being engulfed in doubt. We are like icebergs in the ocean: one-eighth part consciousness and the rest submerged beneath the surface of articulate apprehension. I have a secret held inside me. I want to let it out, it hurts so bad. But I don't know what it is.

What would you do if I confessed this all to you?

I was unsure of how those tears came in the shower, in solitude. I said goodbye what seems like ages ago. And then I realized it was only when you truly let go to that I knew hello was never coming from you again… I've finally become genuinely and sincerely thankful for that.


I became afraid of love. I thought it would take so much time to overcome, like a fine wine aging in the cellar. My biggest fear was never loving anyone again the way I loved you. I was wrong, it's so completely possible!

"Kaelee, come outside, I need to give you something." I went outside, in my glasses and pajamas. He then took my face in his hands, gently but with raging passion, and kissed me. His kiss came as a suprise, something remarkable, something sensational. The kind of kiss ... the one you lose yourself in. I realized that I don't want to kiss anyone else but him and my heart was beating three times its normal pace; the world around me disappeared except me and him. It reduced my bones to rubber and my brain to gruel. It was an exciting kind of sensation that you can't help but fall in love with. I felt reborn. I felt something melt inside me that hurt in an exquistite way. All my longings, all my dreams and sweat anguish, all the secrets that slept deep within me came awake. Everything was transformed and enchanted, everything made sense.

When I saw him for the first time, amid the gloom and travail of existence suddenly to behold a beautiful being... instantaneously I felt an overwhelming conviction that I'm smitten. Sparks flew from first glances; I'm embracing it, letting it glow. What I find, I won't mind, I already want him as mine. He showed me happiness in a time I found it impossible, leaving me speachless yet full of laughter and the same time. Unfathomable radiancy... as the days grow so does my crimson heart for him. This feeling is so overpowering, I'm afraid it will disappear. For all the words I know, there are profound ones I cannot utter without thinking of him. Does he get nervous like I do? Do I spread a smile across his handsome face like he does to me? I have found butterflies again, like I've never known before. I find myself waiting for him, in desperation and in hope. I just want to hold him, and to make him proud of me. The feeling of disappointing him makes me cringe. He has told me he cares, but it's hard for me to grasp. It doesn't make sense to me, that's why I trust it. Why is everything going so right? This can't be correct. I don't want to be under someone's spell again; the last time I was burned so badly. But it's far better to give your all and smother than to withhold hopes of a new relationship. I'm so happy for myself for the willingness to take a chance. There seems to be a rosey hue casted over everything now. I want to thank him for stepping into my world, he brought light.


The best way to love is to love like you have never been hurt, and don't forget the amount of frogs you have to kiss before you find your prince!

oh boy

I passed out, the cops came, my money was stolen, and glasses were broken. Cleaning this morning was awful, and I feel sick. I am so humiliated. I can hardly remember last night, but the glimpses I caught which are on repeat in my mind aren't pretty.



But that intimacy of mutual embarrassment is an effect so sincere. I mean, if I've embarrassed myself and am going to laugh over it one day, why not start now? Anger is weakness, tolerance is bravery. Humility makes you strong. Humility means to understand the self and through that to understand others as well. Humility is the attitude where a person is not attached to his or her opinion and feelings. Humility is the most natural expression of truth. It helps in better understanding of truth. Humility is the basis for maintaining self-respect. Developing humility brings a lot of comfort and ease into your life. I'm not insecure. I've been through way to much shit to be insecure. I've got huge balls. But I've been humbled. And that makes you greatful for everything. It helps you see things better and take things lighter. True humility is intelligent self respect which keeps us from thinking too highly or too meanly of ourselves. It makes us modest by reminding us how far we have come short of what we can be. When you accept yourself completely you do not have to maintain a phony front, drive yourself to achieve, or feel insecure if people tune-in to you and what you are doing, Smile, for everyone lacks self-confidence and more than any other one thing a smile reassures them.



We all want things that we know are bad for us. Everyone has dangerous facinations or unhealthy fixations. Some of them are a little harder to explain than others. But most of us know how to keep our impulses in check, fight off our darker instincts. My opinion for the critics about alcohol, drugs, or anything in that matter: What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I hook up with- as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet? Last night was a blast. I love my friends and I'm so grateful for their help which I so clearly and desperately needed. Well, I'm hungry. And my parents just got home. It was nice chatting.

it hurts

I buried the box in the backyard today.
It's been on my mind for a while now... but for the first time, finally, it seems like a grave. Not a time capsule.

Life goes on, theres no rewind button. I move forward knowing I gave it my all. Be well, do good with your life, and please, don't keep in touch.

Jamba Juice

I went to Jamba Juice today. As I was leaving, a kind old man held the door open for me. I smiled sweetly, and said thank you. I noticed a little girl was walking out behind me, she was probably about 7 or 8. I held the door open for her, and she gave me wide-grinned gap-toothed smile and said thaank youu.

Life is all about patterns. It's a cycle. A series of events, meetings, and departures. Friends discovered, others lost. Precious time wastes away. Big droplet tears are shed for yesterday, but are dried in time for tomorrow... Until all that remains are foggy, broken memories of a happy yesteryear. Don't get me wrong, human life itself is pure chaos. Everyone takes their stance, asserts his or her own rights and feelings, mistakes the motives of others, and their own. But it IS all a pattern of everyday things. Walking the same path to your classes in the hall, getting ready the same way in the morning, buying the same thing at nutrition break... For example, without forgiveness, life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation, just as worry is a cycle of inefficient thoughts whirling around a center of fear. No matter what, no matter for whom, no matter what your outlook is, life IS a cycle; it's dependent on you whether it's vicious or not.

My personal opinion is that everything is backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Go into a retirement home, get kicked out when your too young. Buy yourself a nice car, work for 45 years until your young enough to enjoy your retirement. Get ready for high school. Do drugs, drink, have sex. Become a kid, go to grade school, have no responsibilites. And finally, spend your last nine months floating.

How is one bound, and how is one freed of his bounds? Who is subject to karma, and who is beyond it? And how, please tell me, does one escape the vicious cycle? Sorry, this is depressing.

Ptolemy

It's a scary thought. 10 years from now, none of these people are going to matter. Everyone's going to be off doing his or her own thing, making a life for themselves. We get so wrapped up in high school, it's ridiculous. Us high schoolers, for the most part, have all had our fair share of dilemmas and have learned to tackle our own everyday obstacles: homework, sports, peers, gossip, etc. What happens when these life lessons become meaningless? And when we're faced with a completely new set of lessons that require an equal amount of time and patience as each problematic situation we've so far endured?

Gosh, I'm so tired of these self centered people who seem to appear in countless numbers... People thinking that the world revolves around them and their problems. This often results in being so worried about his or her own condition, that they become oblivious to the walking wounded around them. Just today, I was talking to a girl who seemed to have a bad case of "elevator eyes". I realized that not only with me, but whomever else this person talked to, she would eye from head to toe, to see if that person's outfit was as nice, or if she was as equally groomed. It gave her some sick superiority complex. I feel like as I mature, I get smaller. I see other parts of the world I didn't see before. Other points of view. I see outside myself more.

Nothing's beautiful from every point of view. Our paradigms are often way off whack, and as a result create limitations. For example, someone thinks that someone else is a bitch. Well, what you see is what you get. If you want to believe that that person is a _____ (insert synonymous noun here), then you will look for evidence to prove your case. Those who forget good and evil and seek only to know the facts are more likely to achieve good than those who view the world through the distorting medium of their own desires. Cast a rosy hue on everything you do. The way you remember the past depends upon your hope for the future. And if what you see in your future has no hope, it has no potential, then you view the past that brought you to here as not very good.

I've always felt that a person's intelligence is directly reflected by the number of conflicting points of view he or she can entertain simultaneously on the same topic. I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. But then again, Ptolemy was just as convinced that the Earth was the center of the universe.

Basically, and I'm not sure how I led myself to this, but the facts are simple: It's easier to go down a hill than up it, but the view is much better at the top. Thank you for listening to my torrents.

Relax

Just for this one night,

I will not think about you.

I will have fun,

and laugh again.

And enjoy every minute.

Tomorrow I will deal with the hangover.

Note to Self

In all honesty, nobody really cares if you're miserable so you might as well be happy. I don't know whether the universe, with its countless galaxies, stars, and planets, has a deeper meaning, but at the very least it is clear that we humans who live on this Earth face the task of making a happy life for ourselves. Think of how humbling it is to realize that the world wouldn't be the same if one person did not exist.

scar tissue and callus

Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?...


I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. The impact hit me harder than The Hulk on steroids. And at that moment I began to feel paranoid that cupid dropped his arrows, picked up a gun, and pulled the trigger.
It's over. It's been over. And that's the way it's going to remain forever. And that's a promise. And unlike you... I don't break them.

Love is horrible. It makes you incredibly vulnerable. It opens up your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that somone can get inside you. You build up all these defenses, a suit of armor even, so that nothing can hurt you... Then one stupid person, no different than any other stupid person, wanders into your life.. You give them a piece of you, which they didn't ask for. They just did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and all of a sudden your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the dark. So simple a look of ignorance feels like a glass splinter working its way through your heart. Its awful. It hurts. Not only emotionally, but rather the real rip-you-apart type pain.

Starting at birth, we grasp on to anything we can get our hands on, and hold on as if we will cease to exist when we let go. We feel that letting go is giving up, quitting, and that as we all know is cowardly. But as we grow older we are forced to change our way of thinking. We are forced to realize that letting go means accepting things that cannot be. It means maturing and moving on, no matter how hard you have to fight yourself to do so. When you start to abandon your old beliefs or values, you may be stuck at a threshold. Before moving on, you have to clear away your cherished beliefs. Time, for me at least, is starting to heal things. As of now I know this.. Your opinions of me were wrong - I am not that bad. My opinions of you were wrong, too - you weren't all that great. In conclusion, when it comes to the affairs of love and hurt, you have to wait for your heart to learn what your head already knows, then you can free yourself.

Most things break, including hearts. The lessons of life amount not to wisdom, but to scar tissue and callus.

Questionable

Life, I'm convinced, is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. Humor is vague, runaway stuff that hisses around the fissures and crevices of the mind, like some sort of loose physic gas.

"This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time." -Fight Club
A provoking idea. The only interesting answers are those which destroy the questions

Lesson of the weekend: alcohol makes you mistake words for thought.

Sunday, February 22nd

I say to myself, "Self, why are you awake again?". It's 3 a.m. and I'm standing with the fridge wide open, staring. Such a sight, florescent light. The stars are bright, I might make a wish if I believed in that shit but as it is, I might watch TV because it's nice to see people more messed up then me.

Lessons

I learned a lot today. We can lose ourselves in romantic attachment, but the truth is, the euphoria is unlikely to last for long. Indeed, the likelihood of undergoing suffering and sadness only grows over time. As long as we remain unable to redress our own weaknesses, we will be miserable no matter where or to whom we may take flight. We can never become truly happy unless we ourselves undergo a personal transformation. Hardships make us strong. Problems give birth to wisdom. Sorrows cultivate compassion. Those who have suffered the most will become the happiest. No one can better bask in summer's balm than those who have endured winter's bite. The course of our lives is determined by how we react-what we decide and what we do-at the darkest of times. The nature of that response determines a person's true worth and greatness.

Whether in life or in a specific undertaking, there will undoubtedly be times when you achieve genuine progress, only to come up against a wall or feel yourself regressing. There will be times when you just need to stop and rest. Such are the vicissitudes inherent to any struggle. When you challenge to achieve something, be ready to face the unexpected. For example, your exboyfriend whom you so unquestionably cared for feeling the need to inform you on his proficiency in picking up 'pussy'. One thing is certain: That is that the power of belief, the power of thought, will move reality in the direction of what we believe and conceive of it. If you really believe you can do something, you can. That is a fact. And I am so proud of myself for being the bigger person today. I recommend everyone to do so, the feeling you get is amazing.

Don't word-word-word read, but rather absorb and consider this. Reality is harsh. It can be cruel and ugly. Yet no matter how much we grieve over our environment and circumstances nothing will change. What is important is not to be defeated, to forge ahead bravely. If we do this, a path will open before us. Even places that have been shrouded in darkness for billions of years can be illuminated. Even a stone from the bottom of a river can be used to produce fire. Our present sufferings, no matter how dark, have certainly not continued for billions of years-nor will they linger forever. The sun will definitely rise. In fact, its ascent has already begun.

Some Food for Thought

I am obssessed with the book I'm reading, Dante's Inferno. It brought up a very interesting point...There are good people and bad people, no gray areas, no inbetween.

"These wretches never born and never dead
ran naked in a swarm of wasps and hornets
that goaded them the more they fled,

and made their faces stream with bloody gouts
of pus and tears that dribble to their feet
to be swallowed there by loathsome worms and maggots."

They took no side, therefore they were given no place.They pursued the ever-shifting illusion of their own advantage, so they pursue an ever-shifting banter. As their sin was a darkness, so they move in the dark. As their own guilty conscience pursued them, so they are pursued by wasps and hornets. And as their actions were a moral filth, so they run through the filth of worms and maggots on which they themselves feed.

A lot for your brain to chew on, no?

Today...

... was a beautiful day.

Mmm

This morning, I woke up to a text saying "You were on my mind... I just wanted to say goodnight :)". It really made my entire day.

Puritans

The Puritan's idea of hell is a place where everybody has to mind his or her own business. People's absorbtion in drama amazes me. And most likely those who agree, are the more mature people who aren't fixated on he said she said. If I went and attacked each person over hearsay, I would look like an idiot. Again, this is highschool. Rumors are going to be spread about you by people that have nothing better to do with their life... Accept that and move on! Don't jump the gun. Trying to squash a rumor is equivalent to trying to unring a bell. For the record, I would never make up something about a person... I know how shitty that feels. Also, if something is done with, be done with it! Do not go out and make someone else's life and problems and drama your business, because it's not. You have nothing to do with it. Serious misfortunes, originating in misrepresentation, frequently flow and spread before they can be dissipated by truth. "A cruel story runs on wheels, and every hand oils the wheels as it runs".

The biggest liar in the world is They Say. Perhaps people don't understand that the easiest way of keeping a secret is without help. Never repeat anything you won't sign your name to and understand that whoever gossips to you will gossip about you. If someone was condemned to confine his or her activity to their own affairs, they would be robbed of one half of their existence. I honestly feel that if someone in high school had to stay home for one night, they would start spreading rumors to their dog. What has society come to, haha.

And now, once I'm done writing, I feel so much regret to even waste my time writing about something that shouldn't need explaining!

Wonderful

Life is 10% of what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. That goes for everyone. We're in high school. You are always going to be put in situations that you don't like. Shit is always going to happen to you. There are bitchy people out there that can't wait to take out their drama on the closest person. You just have to deal with it. Rather than throwing your hands up in the air or pointing your finger in someone's face, be mature. The more calm you stay, the more frustrated the other person gets. Don't take it personally when someone treats you like that. Understand that that person is having a bad day, like I'm sure everyone else has experienced at some point. But the next time you need to scream, save it for your pillow at home. Don't jump to conclusions so quickly. Think about how you would effect someone first.

Just yesterday I was writing about how good things are going. But isn't that how it always is? You take one step forward towards optimism and then relapse three steps back. Everything seems to be perfect for some odd moment, then its pulled out from under your feet in one swift second. There is always going to be some kind of force dragging you down. Not only does it have to be a person, but it can be your subconscious uncomfortable with the warm feeling of happiness. That happens much too often. People don't realize how good they have it, and for every good moment a person is blessed with, there's always a complaint to follow. Whether its a Myspace bulletin or something else.

Katie Conti taught me a very valuable lesson today. Confidence is key to everything you do in life. Have you ever noticed a person who seems to have everything in life? That person seems so perfect and everything is like it's handed to them on a platter. Well, guess what. They aren't perfect. Their hair is most likely not naturally that color and believe it or not, their life isn't a fairy tale either. They have problems too... but they don't go around complaining about how gay their mom is or how sad it is that they have nothing to wear. Things would run so much smoother if each person were to come to school with a smile on their face and think 'I am no better than anyone else. Nobody else is better than me'. Not one single person deserves to be put on a pedestal. Everyone should learn to accept their flaws, not tell the Myspace world about how fat they feel.

#1

Hmm. So, first blog post. I've been toying with the idea of having a blog for a while. I feel like everything that's written can be interpreted in so many ways. 'She says this to be cool', 'she talks like that to sound smart'. People are so shallow and are quick to make judgements, but dealing with that is inevitable. And the timing for deciding to start one is also inconvenient due to the overwhelming number of people who now have a blog in which they complain about how awful their life is. But I like the idea of being able to share my thoughts and talk about my day. Sometimes its nice to just be able to talk freely without having to worry about whether or not you're boring someone. So, anyway..

Today is Superbowl Sunday. Steelers won, which I'm happy about. I had a few people over, and aside from learning new bartending tricks, it was so nice to just hang out with friends. Even though we've changed and we're all starting to find our own place in the world, it's so refreshing to know you have friends. Because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing can change to the point where we don't all get along. Life is only so much of what you make it, and the rest is help shaped by the people whom you surround yourself with.

This weekend was great. Not only did I meet new people, but I also hung out with friends I hadn't seen in a while. I feel like I also got rid of so much negativity in my life which was weighing me down. And while some people who are reading this might know exactly what I'm referring to, the message is clear for everyone, including myself: people should start taking their own advice more often. Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are developed. Avoid destructive thinking. Improper negative thoughts sink people. A ship can sail around the world many times, but just let enough water get into the ship and it will sink. Just so with the human mind. Let enough negative thoughts or improper thoughts get into the human mind and the person sinks just like a ship.

That's all for today. Thanks for reading. Sorry Cardinal fans, but I hope everyone has a great night.